A Movie I Wish I'd Missed

Tim Burton has a handful of impressive movies to his credit - the Batman duo ( one great movie might be cobbled together out of Batman / Batman Returns) Ed Wood ( a genuinely quirky biopic with what could be Johnny Depp's best Performance) Edward Scissorhands ( a messiah movie on a level with Roeg's The Man Who Fell To Earth) The Nightmare Before Christmas, Beetlejuice and Big Fish. I used to be a real cheerleader for Mars Attacks! but it hasn't aged well. Sweeney Todd is visually gorgeous but doesn't warrant a second viewing. Even though the trailers looked hideous, I took in a matinee of Alice in Wonderland.
Vladimir Nabokov said that "some odd scruple" prevented him from alluding, in Lolita, to Lewis Carroll's "pathetic perversion." Tim Burton is apparently more scrupulous than old VN. He obliterates any trace of Carroll from his loud brutish film. Not only that, he can't be bothered much with the events of the titular book and its sequel Through The Looking Glass. Instead of a dreamchild, he gives us an insipid nineteen year old out of a bad Merchant Ivory film who apparently needs corrective eyeglasses.
I'd be dishonest if I said there are no laughs ( there are a couple real snorters) and no real visual jazz ( a few of the 3D stunts are truly impressive) in Burton's travesty. It's just that these odd glints of beauty don't compensate for a dull eyesore of a movie. Let me put it this way. Anyone who takes you to this film with designs on your person is probably the worst sort of perv. Just say " Not tonight. These damn glasses have given me a headache."